sabato 22 agosto 2009

Restaurant part 2

Guest: can you suggest me a restaurant?
Concierge: yes sir, which kind of restaurant?
G: italian food, something with a garden or terrace...
C: sure, so I can suggest ######, it's just near the hotel, excellent food and not expensive.
G: (tirando fuori una lista di ristoranti) what about ####, is it good?
C: yes it's good but they don't have any terrace or garden... (cosa cavolo me lo chiedi se hai una lista di mille ristoranti?!?!?)
G: and this one?
C: this is not a restaurant, it's a pub where you can have some food (ignorante)
G: but the guide book say that it's a restaurant!!!
C: so maybe I'm in mistake. (ma sai dove te la puoi mettere la tua guida?!?!?)
G: do you have room service? I'm tired and I think I'll eat in the room.
C: sure sir, call 987 from your room (e grazie per avermi fatto perdere del tempo!)

Restaurant part 1

Guest: can you suggest me a restaurant?
Concierge: Which kind of restaurant are you looking for?
G: something traditional, good food, not touristic, walking distance and... not expensive!
C: ehmmmm... (casa mia?!?!)

lunedì 17 agosto 2009

Special discount...

Guest: do you have a room?
Receptionist: yes sir, how many people and how many nights?
G: me and my wife just one night
R: the room is available and the rate is Euro xxx.00
G: special discount for indian people?
R: ehhhh (in che senso?)
G: you know we are 1 billion persons in india so you should have a special discount for indian peolple!!!
R: I'm sorry but this is our best available rate (non l'ho capita la storia dello sconto)
G: breakfast is included?
R: yes sir taxes and breakfast are included.
G: ok I'll take it
R:... (menomale se no stasera non sarei riuscito ad addormentarmi al pensiero che non ti ho fatto lo sconto per gli indiani!)

venerdì 14 agosto 2009

Internet connection

Guest: I want internet conncetion
Concierge: yes Sir, you should buy your connection on line with your credit card.
G: this card?
C: no Sir not the room key card, the credit card as Visa or Mastercard. (con la chiave della porta certo!)
G: my credit card?!?!?!?!
C: yes Sir (se vuoi ti do la mia tanto con tutti i soldi che mi danno qua me lo posso permettere e come!)
G: not free?!?!?!?!
C: no Sir, it's not free
G: in spain is free
C: I'm sorry Sir that we are not in spain and in Italy nothing is free (perchè non te ne torni in spagna?)

giovedì 13 agosto 2009


Guest: sorry yesterday put ticket for breakfast in room outside door but room service don't bring me breakfast!!!
Concierge: I'm sorry sir. at what have you put the ticket outside the door? (usare qualche articolo ogni tanto?!?!)
G: around this time... on ticket breakfast in room is until 11:00 but I wrote 12:00.
C: ehhhh... (ti devo pure rispondere?)
G: I talk also with restaurant at 12:00 but no one bring me breakfast!!!
C: Sorry Sir but at that time it's lunch time not breakfast time! (vuoi risparmiare i soldi del pranzo, tirchio!)
G: so I can't have breakfast at 12:00?
C: No Sir, breakfast finish at 11:00, at 12:30 you can have lunch if you want...

martedì 11 agosto 2009

Nice view please!

In a hotel in Milano center, just near the Duomo. At check-in time...

Guest: nice view please!
Receptionist: on the lake or on the river? (ma lo sai dove sei?)
G: ..... on the lake!
R: on the lake?
G: yes, the lake!
R: sorry Sir but in Milano we don't have any lake or any river!
G: really?!?!?
R: yes Sir (hee già che città del cavolo senza un lago o un fiume)
G: so where is the view?
R: or on an internal courtyard or on the street (o aspetta ti prenoto un hotel vicino all'idroscalo...)
G: I'm so disappointed...
R: me too Sir (e io che vorrei la vista sul mare!)

I need a Car...

August 10 22:30 p.m.

Concierge asnwering on the phone: Concierge buonasera sono S.
Guest on phone: good evening
C: good evening
G: do you speak english?
C: yes Madam how can I help you? (no guarda, so 2 parole in croce in inglese e lavoro in questo albergo)
G: a need a car... with a driver... and a bodyguard...
C: sorry Madam for when? (certo un bodyguard)
G: for now, I mean in 10/15 minutes
C: sorry but I think at this time it's a little bit difficult to get a bodyguard (aspetta in tasca non c'è l'ho)
G: why?
C: the bodyguard agencies are closed now! (aspetta ricontrolla in tasca... ancora niente!)
G: are you sure?
C: yes Madam (no guarda non sapevo che dire e ho sparato la prima cazzata che mi è venuta in mente, in realtà ho una schiera di guardie del corpo nel cassetto ma sono cosi cattivo che non te ne voglio dare uno!!!). can I ask you where are you going?
G: to xxx Hotel to have a drink
C: Madam you can take a taxi, it's 5 minutes from here and I don't think you will need a bodyguard in xxx Hotel!!! (ma chi vuoi che ti guardi brutta come sei e dentro un hotel?!?!)
5 minutes later at the desk...
G: so you don't have a bodyguard?
C: (apro un cassetto e lo richiudo) no Madam I'm afraid I haven't found it!!! (nemmeno nel cassetto c'è!).

lunedì 10 agosto 2009

Fashion Show...

Guest: where I can go to see a fashion show in Milano?
Concierge: sorry Madam, in this period there aren't any fashion show in Milano! (ma da dove vieni)
G: Why? isn't Milano the fashion city?
C: Yes Madam, but we don't have fashion show in August... The next fashion show are on September. (è gia tanto che i negozi sono ancora aperti)
G: are you sure?
C: yes madam (no guarda non sono sicuro ma sparo cazzate tante per dire qualcosa) [finto sorriso]

G to Receptionist: where I can go to see a fashion show in Milano?
Receptionist: Sorry but as the Concierge told you there aren't any fashion show in Milano in this period (ma in che lingua te lo dobbiamo dire?!?!?!)
G: strange...
C: yes madam, very strange... (ma f_tt_t_)


Nell'antichità era il nome che definiva il guardaporte, colui che aveva le chiavi della Casa. Dava il benvenuto all'arrivo degli Ospiti ed era attento ai loro bisogni durante il soggiorno.

Nel 12° secolo i Concierges apparvero quindi nei Castelli e nelle grandi Dimore Europee ove divennero i più importanti membri del personale di Palazzo e questo, per tutti i secoli a venire.

Ora, come allora, il loro compito è quello di accogliere ed assistere gli Ospiti durante tutta la loro permanenza. I Castelli e le dimore di oggi sono, ovviamente, gli Alberghi di lusso ed i Concierges continuano la loro opera nel segno dell'antica tradizione.

Il Concierge del vostro albergo saprà guidarvi, consigliarvi per tutto il soggiorno. E non importa se verrà posta una domanda semplice od un problema complicato: sarà in grado di risolverlo perché la sua funzione è quella di soddisfarvi in ogni desiderio. Sempre!

I am a Front Desk Agent

I am a Front Desk Agent

I have advanced degrees in Accounting, Public Relations, Marketing, Business, Computer Science, Civil Engineering, and Swahili. I can also read minds.

Of course I have the reservation that you booked six years ago even though you don't have the confirmation number and you think it was made under a name that starts with "S".

It is completely my fault that the blizzard shut down the airport and you have to sleep in a warm king-size bed while 5000 of your co-travellers are sleeping in benches at the airport. I am sorry.

It is not a problem for me to give you seven connecting, non-smoking, poolside suites with two king beds in each, four rollaways, 3 cribs, and yes, I can install a wet bar. I know it is my fault that we do not have a helicopter landing pad.

I am a Front Desk Agent. I am expected to speak all languages fluently. It is obvious to me that when you booked your reservation for Friday on the weekend we're sold out that you really meant Saturday. My company has entrusted me with all financial information and decisions, and yes, I am lying to you when I say we have no more rooms available. It is not a problem for me to quickly construct several more guest rooms. THIS time I will not forget the helicopter landing pad. And it is my fault that everyone wanted to stay here. I should have known you were coming in, even though you had no reservation. After all, you stay at our brand of hotel all the time, 300 nights a year, and this is only the first time you've ever been to our city.

I am a front desk agent. I am quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, answering fifteen incoming calls, delivering six bath towels to room 625, plunging the toilet in room 101, and restocking the supply of pool towels, all at the same time. Yes, I will be glad to call the van driver and tell him to drive over all the cars stuck in traffic because you've been waiting at the airport for 15 minutes and you've got jet lag.

I am a front desk agent, an operator, a bellhop, houseman, guest service representative, housekeeper, sales coordinator, information specialist, entertainment critic, restauranteur, stock broker, referee, janitor, computer technician, plumber, ice-breaker, postman, babysitter, dispatcher, laundry cleaner, lifeguard, electrician, ambassador, personal fitness trainer, fax expert, human jukebox, domestic abuse counselor, and verbal punching bag. Yes, I know room 112 is not answering their phone. And of course I have their travel itinerary so I know exactly where they went when they left here 9 hours ago, and what their cell phone number is.

I always know where to find the best vegetarian-kosher-Mongolian-barbecue restaurants. I know exactly what to see and do in this city in fifteen minutes without spending any money and without getting caught in traffic. I take personal blame for airline food, traffic jams, rental car flat tires, and the nation's economy.

I realize that you meant to book your reservation here. People often confuse us with the Galaxy Delight Motel, Antarctica. Of course I can "fit you in" and yes, you may have the special €1 rate because you are affiliated with the Hoboken Accounting and Bagel Club.

I am expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, condole, upsell, downsell (and know when to do which), perform, sing, dance, fix the printer, and tell your friends that you're here. And I know exactly where 613 Possum Trot Lane is in the Way Out There subdivision that they just built last week.

After all, I AM a Front Desk Agent!